


Torn Hands

by Littlecupofmocha



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU, Anime, Hide has ocd, M/M, Mental Illness, OCD, OCD AU, Other, TG, again be cautious please, again this is what i like to call touchy platonic, edit: i just realized i never really clarified the timeline, edit: kaneki being a ghoul kinda became a major plot point, hide - Freeform, hidekane, i don't want anyone to be triggered, kaneki ken - Freeform, nagachika hideyoshi - Freeform, please be careful when you read this, so i'll try to mention them in the notes of the chapter they are in, the boys aren't dating they're just good friends, there will be numerous obsessions/compulsions throughout this, this is post-anteiku raid and also kaneki did not eat parts of hide and anteiku never burned, tokyo ghoul - Freeform, wild i know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5369933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlecupofmocha/pseuds/Littlecupofmocha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Domestic AU in which Hide has moderate to severe OCD. He and Kaneki share a house, so Ken has to witness everything Hide goes through. </p><p> </p><p>*This is only marked as having graphic depictions of violence because of the OCD described. Intrusive thoughts can be graphic and the descriptions of them along with those of compulsions may be triggering to some. Please be cautious when reading.</p><p>The Tokyo Ghoul universe and all characters belong to Ishida Sui.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Red Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So obviously I haven't updated my bakery au fic since this summer, so here's this one to kinda tide you guys over until I can update that one again. School has taken up my time, but! Christmas break is in two weeks, so hopefully I can work on it then. I'm not entirely sure how long this one is going to be, it'll depend on how much I want to say as I go on. This one is going to be...sadder T.T

Hide clamped his mouth shut with a shaky hand and gripped the bathroom counter with the other. Sobs wracked his body as he slid slowly to the floor. His noises escaped through the gaps in his fingers, making themselves well known once they reached the air. _I’m probably waking Ken up right now…_ He made an effort to quiet down, succeeding only after several minutes of rapid breathing and the periodic pressing of a damp towel to his face. He held his hands out in front of him and stared at them. They were in terrible condition, likely the worst they’d ever been. They were bleeding all over, the skin cracked, dry, and red instead of the light tan they should have been. More tears promptly streamed down his face, full of pain and desperation. They dripped off his chin and onto his hands, stinging the torn surfaces.

Hide stood up slowly. He looked in the mirror, taking in his now puffy, bloodshot eyes and reddened nose. _Ha, my eyes are almost as red as my hands._ He turned away, disgusted by his pitiful state, and walked to his bed in the adjoining room. He sat for a while, clutching the teddy bear he had forgotten about until a few days ago. He had gotten it about two years prior, and it had sat in his room, untouched for all that time. Now, he preferred having the bear with him. There was no shame in it, it was simply an object of comfort. Plus, it was super soft, and it smelled nice.

Hide stared off into space for a while, thinking. _I have to stop this. Soon. I…_ He sighed aloud and took some deep breaths. “Okay, you can at least get ready for bed. Let's just do that and...and we can go to sleep and this will all be over.” Hide gingerly got off his bed, watching where he stepped. He began making his way to the bathroom, careful to avoid any irregularities in the carpet. These included: spots on the carpet, things on the carpet -- stuff that shouldn’t be there, like crumbs, those plastic things on clothing tags, etc. -- anytime Hide stepped on something, he’d have to wash the foot that touched it.

Thankfully, he made it to the bathroom without stepping on anything, but then again he was wearing socks and slippers on his feet. _Should I wash them anyway? The right one seems like- they both… something’s not right._ Frustrated, he took off his slippers and then his socks. He pushed himself up onto his bathroom counter, sitting there like a child, both feet in the sink. He turned the water on slowly, hoping the pipes would not be as loud as usual, as they ran right through the walls of Kaneki’s room.

As quietly as possible, Hide washed his feet in his sink. And then a second time, just to be sure. At 1:27 in the morning, he just wanted to go to bed.


	2. Counting Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide prevents Kaneki from sleeping, and Ken contemplates Hide's recent strange behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo I don't really like this chapter, but it needed to be put up. I am currently writing ch 3, so don't worry! It'll be here soon.

Kaneki lay awake in his bed, trying to ignore the sounds coming from down the hall as much as he could. This was the fourth night in a row that Hide was up past 1 am. Not surprisingly, this was the fourth night in a row that Kaneki had been up past 1 am. Not that he really blamed his friend. If anything it was the pipes; they were noisy when they got cold, and winter seemed to be coming early this year.

 

But still, Kaneki was tossing and turning in his bed, trying his best to block out the ka-kunks and squeaks of the pipes. Sometimes, the noises became rhythmic, whenever Hide turned the water on and off in quick bursts. At least, that’s what Kaneki had learned over the past few nights. He had counted the noises. Since he couldn’t sleep while trying to ignore them, he tried to welcome the distractions instead; he figured counting the noises would be sort of like counting sheep.

 

Frequently, he had discovered, the sounds came in groups of 3. But tonight they were sounding in groups of 4. Why these numbers? Kaneki wasn’t sure. He hadn’t asked, and Hide certainly hadn’t explained. He’d given no explanation whatsoever.

 

Ken hadn’t pushed the subject. Whatever this was...it had to pass over soon, right? So there was no point in questioning Hide on something he obviously wanted to keep private. But still, Kaneki couldn’t help but feel that what Hide was doing now was not something he enjoyed doing.

 

Hide’s behavior had been different overall throughout the past few days, actually. On Wednesday and Thursday the boy had slept through his alarm; he only got up on time this morning because Kaneki had checked on him and, upon finding him still asleep, gently shook him awake.

 

The other day Hide had stormed out of the house after becoming overly frustrated with his homework. He looked visibly upset as he walked out the door, and he hadn’t even bothered to take a coat. When Kaneki glanced at Hide’s spot at the table, he saw the paper he had been hunched over for at least 30 minutes. He only saw a few of the problems solved, but the unusual thing was that Hide’s work appeared to have been rewritten several times. And Hide was good at math.

 

Something was wrong. Kaneki just knew it. Hide looked tired and on edge almost around the clock these days. He emanated this nervous energy that even Kaneki could feel.

 

Hide hadn't been like this before. Before as in before the Anteiku Raid happened. Both of them barely made it out alive, Hide with a huge wound in his side, and Ken with more psychological injuries and scars than physical. And although Kaneki was struggling with the aftereffects of the raid and still trying to accept all that had happened in the past few months, it wasn’t some drastic change. His temperament declined slowly and was expected. How could Hide, a person who was always so cheerful and optimistic, become so irritable and discontent? It didn’t make sense to Ken.  

 

Hide hadn't been like this as a kid either. Sure he would get stressed easily and go through some periods of anxiousness and irritability, but he never had any… He never did whatever he was doing now. He wasn’t one to stay up late, get flustered, or keep to himself. Hide was a talker. _Was._

 

_Or maybe...maybe he just never told me. About everything he’s struggling with._

 

_Yeah, that sounds like Hide._

  
Giving up on his dream of sleep, Kaneki slipped out of his bed and into his slippers. He walked down the hall to the bathroom. A golden light was shining out from under the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Leave comments, and I'll get back to you soon with ch 3!


	3. Two Sides of the Same Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an incredibly short chapter, but only because I felt like I needed to keep it separate from the next one. Compulsion: Repeating Action/Checking

Kaneki crept down the hallway noiselessly; he didn't want Hide to know he was up.

Upon reaching the door he raised a fist in the air, preparing to rap on the wood. When his hand was only a few centimeters away from meeting the door, he paused. He heard something unusual, something he couldn't place right away. And then it dawned on him. _Was that… Is he crying!?_

Kaneki backed away from the door, panicking slightly, not knowing what to do. His thoughts were rushing by.

_Hide’s crying!!! He’s crying? He can't be, he's probably just got a cold. It's winter after all. He’s just sniffing because he's got a cold. Right? But then again this is the fourth night he's been up late. And in the bathroom too. It's not a stomach thing… Well, finals are almost here, so he's super stressed, yeah? Oh gosh, do I go talk to him? I'm not even sure what's happening or what's wrong, what would I say? What do I do!? I can't leave-_

But Kaneki heard another noise from behind the closed door. A creak in the floorboards. Hide was moving or something. Kaneki heard more sniffing and the water running, pouring into something other than the sink. Something plastic. A cup.

A few seconds of silence passed during which Kaneki assumed Hide was regaining his composure.

Hide cleared his throat and washed his hands - Kaneki heard him use the soap pump - and then rummaged through a drawer for something. The light went off and with it all of Kaneki's incentives to open that door. The sound of Hide’s bed frame creaking quietly let him know the boy had gotten into his bed. So Ken turned away.

When Kaneki made it into his room, he turned slightly to close his door for the night, only to see something bright out of the corner of his eye. The bathroom light was on again. _What? He just got into bed._ But as soon as Kaneki questioned why the light was on again it went off. Then it came back on. And then went back off. And then on and off, on and off.

Kaneki waited for a few minutes to ensure the lights didn't come back on. When they didn’t, he turned and climbed into his own bed, finally lying in it without being distracted by the loud noises down the hall. He decided not to think about what he had just witnessed. It could wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapter 4 is coming VERY SOON. Maybe even today! :)


	4. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide calls Kaneki 'Neki' in this chapter and wow is it cute. I must use this more often.  
> *Only a mention of one of the effects of contamination compulsions. (Hands)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Den: American term referring to the family room of a home.

Thankfully, tomorrow happened to be Saturday, so the boys were able to sleep in. They had always agreed in the past to let each other sleep as long as he wanted to, which is why Kaneki got up at 9 and Hide at 11.

After getting dressed and brushing his hair, Kaneki went downstairs and started a small fire in their fireplace. He got a blanket, made some coffee, and sat down with his favorite book. There weren’t many mornings better than this.

After a little more than an hour Kaneki decided Hide would be getting up soon. It was 10:45, pretty late in the morning. So, he decided to make him breakfast. Hide always liked pancakes, so Kaneki thought he could make him some to...lighten the mood? Ken still didn’t know what he was going to say to him about last night. It had scared him, honestly. To see his, okay well, to hear his friend suffering when he had only seen Hide cry a few times unnerved Kaneki, and he began to dread the inevitable conversation. He made more coffee and drank it in silence at the kitchen table as he waited anxiously for him.

Hide came downstairs at 11:20. Kaneki didn't know why he hadn't come down 20 minutes earlier, when he had woken up, but Ken figured he probably knew why and pushed the thoughts out of his head.

Hide always looked funny after waking up. His bed head was pretty severe today; his hair was stuck up in all different directions, and his roots were showing more so than Kaneki had thought they were. He was wearing a dark over-sized t-shirt that said, “May the Force be With You” in large yellow font on the front. His pajama pants were of a red and black plaid. Needless to say the two clothing items didn't compliment each other at all.

Hide walked into the den and collapsed on the couch, cuddling with a blanket.

“Morning, Neki.”

“Morning, Hide.”

Hide sniffed the air, “You made breakfast? Wooooow. You didn't have to, you know. I could have just eaten some cereal.”

“I know, but I thought you'd like some.”

“Waffles, right?”

“Pancakes.”

Hide rose slowly from the couch. With wide eyes he ran into the kitchen and around the counter to see a plate full of glorious, golden pancakes.

He collapsed to the ground.

“AHH KANEKI!”

“Hide?! What’s wrong? Do you n-”

“Ohhhhh no no no, Kaneki I love pancakes! I haven’t had them in forever! I didn’t even know we had a griddle, I would’ve made some.”

“We don’t have a griddle, Hide.”

“Then how’d you make them?”

“In a frying pan.”

“One at a time?”

Kaneki nodded quietly.

Hide ran over to him and gave him a tight hug.

“Thank you Kanekiiiii.”

Kaneki touched Hide’s arm as his way of returning the hug and couldn’t help but notice Hide’s red hands. One of them was about to bleed.

Before Kaneki could stare at the broken hands any longer, Hide moved away and practically skipped back to his plate of pancakes.

“We’ve got syrup, yeah?”

“Umm, yes. There’s a new bottle in the pantry.”

Hide retrieved the bottle and poured some of the golden liquid into a small gravy boat. He warmed it in the microwave for a few seconds before essentially dumping it over his stack of pancakes. Kaneki smiled to himself when he saw how excited Hide was about his ‘special breakfast.’

Hide took a bottle of water from their refrigerator and brought it, along with his plate, to the table. He sat across from Kaneki. After a brief moment of silence he began eating.  

After a few bites - or shovels of food - he started talking again.

“So, any plans for today?”

“Uhh, no. At least, I didn't have anything in mind.”

“Hmmm, well I kind of just want to stay home today.”

“Okay, sure.”

The remainder of breakfast was pretty quiet. Kaneki was distracted with his book and Hide was totally immersed in some daydream.

After Hide finished his meal he got up from the table and took his plate to the sink. He started to wash it when Kaneki suddenly jumped out of his seat.

“Hide!”

Hide looked at Kaneki quizzically.

“Oh, uhh, I was just gonna say...you don't have to wash it. I'll do it.”

“Nah, it's fine.”

“No, Hide I'll wash your dish, you go get dressed.”

“Kaneki I’m going to wash this; we always wash our own dishes.”

“Hide, you should go get dressed, now.”

“Ken, chill out and lemme wash this p-”

“Hide!!”

Hide nearly dropped his dish out of shock.

“Kaneki...what…”

Kaneki walked over quickly to where Hide stood at the sink. He took the plate from his hands somewhat forcefully and spoke in a low voice.

“Washing it won't help your hands.”

“My h-”

Hide stopped talking.

His cheeks turned slightly red and he stared angrily at his hands before turning away in silence. “H-Hide?” Kaneki gently placed his hand on Hide’s shoulder, but the blonde shrugged it off. Kaneki stepped back from the boy out of surprise. When Hide turned back to Kaneki his nose was red; he took a moment before speaking.

With an apologetic, but also scared and somewhat ashamed expression on his face, he said, “...Sorry, I um...yeah you’re right you know. Uhh, I’m gonna go change now.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants before darting out of the kitchen.

Kaneki leaned over the counter and placed his head in his hands. _I shouldn’t have said anything. Now he thinks I’m… well actually, what does he think?_

As Kaneki was attempting to decipher Hide’s reaction, he heard the boy bound up the stairs and close the door to his bedroom. Kaneki sighed out of exasperation and regret; once again, Hide was alone, and Kaneki had no idea how to comfort him.

 ****  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer than expected! (BTW it's 2 am here, what am I doing???) Hope you enjoyed it! Also, anyone know how long this should be? I could make it realllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long or I could end it fairly quickly. Idk, I think I want to explore this AU a bit. As always, thank you so much for reading! <3


	5. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide and Kaneki have a serious talk in Hide's bedroom. Kaneki begins to learn about OCD, and Hide's condition specifically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After not posting for nearly A MONTH, here is chapter 5! And it's significantly longer than some of my other chapters.
> 
> *No compulsions or obsessions mentioned directly

Kaneki took a deep breath and left his position at the counter. Walking slowly, he came to the base of the staircase. 

 

_ Do I go to him? I should. But will he want to see me? I hope… _

 

After delaying his climb another 5 minutes, Kaneki ascended the stairs slowly. Gradually, he made his way up. Once he reached the top, he turned and walked towards Hide’s room.  The feeling of anxiety he felt once he reached the door was nearly as awful as it had been the night before, after hearing Hide in the bathroom. This time, Kaneki didn't wait to plan out his conversation. Something had to be said. Without much hesitation, he knocked on the door. 

 

In return for the knock, Kaneki received a blunt, "What?" which he simply interpreted as, "I'm upset but not exactly at you." So he opened the door. 

 

It creaked as he swung it towards the wall, disturbing the quiet atmosphere. The first thing Kaneki saw was Hide lying on his side on his bed, his legs drawn up to his chest, a position Kaneki knew he only slept in when he couldn't get warm. His back was to Kaneki. 

 

Kaneki crept towards the bed. Cautiously, he spoke to the boy. 

"Hide? Do you mind if I join you? "

Without much emotion Hide replied,"Go ahead." 

 

Kaneki sat on the right side of the bed, the one closer to the doorway. Hide was curled up near the left side. Kaneki leaned back on his hands while he kept his legs folded Indian style. The comforter was soft. It was a chocolate brown with a flowing golden pattern stitched into it. The edges of the heavy thing were rimmed with thick gold cord. 

 

Hide's pillows were encapsulated in gold pillowcases as well. His bed was very stylish, and it fit nicely with the rest of the room The very organized room. His dresser was clean, his nightstand had but two books, an alarm clock, and a lamp on it, and his floor was spotless. Everything in his room was perfectly in place, except for a small pile of clothes in the corner. 

 

Kaneki remembered when they were young. Hide's room was always in disarray. Kaneki encouraged him to keep it tidy, and, after many reminders, Hide never let his room become overly messy. He thanked Kaneki for 'mothering' him, as he called it; he later claimed the neat setting helped keep his mind clear. 

 

But Kaneki didn't have time to reminisce, today he needed to figure out what was happening to Hide. He nudged Hide’s shoulder with his hand. 

"Hey."

Hide didn't respond. 

"Hide, sorry I made you upset. I'm just worried about you. Your hands look really bad, and you’ve been so-”

Hide bolted upright, “So what?!”

 

Kaneki was taken aback. Hide never yelled, never lost his cool. And yet here he was, staring his best friend in the face, afraid to say anything else for fear he might lose his head. A few moments passed by until Hide’s choleric expression morphed into one more akin to shame. 

 

“Ugh,” he moaned as he allowed himself to fall back onto the bed. “Sorry, Kaneki.”

He covered his face with his hands out of embarrassment. 

Kaneki replied with a whisper, “It’s okay.”

Hide peeked through his fingers at his friend, “Noooooo, it’s not.”

He extended his arms and pulled the boy down so they were both lying on the bed, facing each other.

 

“Sorry,” said Hide.

“Don’t worry,” Kaneki whispered back. “Just tell me what’s wrong, okay?”

“Ahh, dude, it’s too early for this stuff,” and Hide laughed. 

“Hideyoshi.”

“Ohh, full name. I guess it’s time to be serious.”

In a sterner voice, “ _ Hide. _ ”

“Ha, okay...um.”

Kaneki waited in anticipation.

Hide struggled to find words. His eyebrows furrowed, he looked at Kaneki and frowned. 

“Ken, I don’t know where to start. If I...this could get really long.”

“Hide, we don’t have any plans, take as long as you’d like.”

 

Hide put one hand beneath his head and sighed. “Ahh, okay then. Well...have you heard of OCD?”

Kaneki replied, “Yeah, of course. I don’t know much about it though.”

Hide continued, “Okay, well, I’ve got it. I think I’ve actually had it for several years, but I was never diagnosed until about two years ago, and I just didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me.”

Kaneki’s eyes were wide. He shouted,“Hide!” and proceeded to punch the boy’s arm in his mock anger.

Hide smiled sadly and rubbed his arm. The punch wasn’t as soft as Kaneki thought it had been.

Kaneki frowned at Hide until the blonde spoke again. 

“I mean, I didn't know how you were going to react, or if you had some preconceived assumption about people with OCD, and...I think I was just a little embarrassed. I still am sometimes... Most of the time actually.”

“Hmm, so, what does OCD entail? Like I know people with it are really bothered when things are out of order and stuff…”

At this, Hide laughed loudly.

“HA! No no no, that's not OCD; that would be OCPD. I mean, that could be OCD, but typically it’s more than that.”

Kaneki was puzzled, “But what about your room?”

“This is just a habit,” Hide said as he gestured around him. “Mess doesn’t bother me. I mean it bothers me, but not in a...OCD way?”

Kaneki looked even more confused.

“Ah, sorry Neki! I keep my room clean because you taught me to, and I just don’t work well in cluttered spaces. It doesn’t make me anxious.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

 

An strange silence passed over the boys during which neither knew how to continue the conversation. 

Kaneki spoke first.

“So, about your OCD.”

“Yes! About that. Alright, this is gonna sound a bit textbook-like, but anyway. OCD is an anxiety disorder. The person affected by it has ‘bad' or negative thoughts that don’t leave, ever, and to get rid of them the person performs these actions called ‘compulsions’ - oh the bad thoughts are called ‘obsessions’ by the way, and these actions relieve the feeling of anxiety for a little bit, but the thoughts and anxiety come back quickly, and the actions have to be repeated. And it’s just a never-ending cycle.”

Kaneki was staring up at the ceiling.

“Hide?”

“Hmm?”

“What are your compulsions?”

“Ohhh, uh, I can tell you my obsessions? Cause I kinda- I don’t know if… I-”

Kaneki was blushing as he cut Hide off,“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to do that.”

Hide spoke quickly, “It’s okay! I should probably share anyway, especially since I’ve never gone to a psychiatrist.”

Kaneki turned to face Hide, “You’ve never seen a doctor!?”

“Nope.”

“WHAT!?”

Hide sat up slowly, “I didn’t have the money. Still don’t. Plus, I’m not too keen on talking to some stranger about my problems.”

“Ugh, Hideyoshi….you need to see someone. I can give you some money and you won’t have to worry about finances.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ve actually been managing quite well.”

Kaneki frowned at Hide. Both boys remembered the nights in the bathroom.

Hide cringed and touched the back of his head.

“Ha, I mean, I was doing well for a while after my diagnosis, but it kinda went downhill after y-”

Hide stopped short. He looked away from Kaneki before getting off the bed. 

Kaneki jumped up after him.

“Wait, finish your sentence.”

Hide bit his lip, “It’s gonna upset you.”

Kaneki shook his head, “No, it won’t. I’ve been through a lot, remember? I can take it.”

Hide looked down again, “You’re saying that so nonchalantly...I know you’ve been through a lot, that’s what worries me.”

“Hide, what does that even mean?”

Hide stared into Kaneki’s eyes, “I got worse after you went missing.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please leave comments! Also, hopefully I will be able to write and update more regularly. School has been keeping me busy, and I didn't have much free time over my break. (Well, I had some free time, but I wasn't writing, ahh I'm sorry.) Thanks for sticking with me! <3


	6. Accusations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide explains why exactly Kaneki's disappearance was so tough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long since I updated! I was going to post this chapter last weekend, but I had second thoughts about it and didn't. It's been a week since then, and I feel much better about it, so here it is (finally)! Please enjoy!

Kaneki just stared at Hide, who looked like he regretted saying what just came out of his mouth. 

The blonde looked away.

“Hide, did I cause you to get worse?”

“No! No no no,  _ you _ did  _ not _ . I didn’t mean to make it sound so accusatory. I’m sorry.”

Hide brought his hand up and rubbed it through his hair, stopping when he reached the nape of his neck. “I was…”

 

Kaneki was confused. So confused. So much had been revealed in the past 15 minutes, and now this? His absence had hurt Hide more than he thought. He didn't know exactly how, but he had hurt him all the same. _ I should've thought about him more.  _

 

When Hide spoke again, he did so in a hushed voice.

“I got really worried when you went away.”

Kaneki turned his attention back to his friend.

Hide continued, “I had no idea what had happened to you, well, I mean, I had somewhat of an idea because I suspected that girl of being a ghoul and- Ken, I am so sorry I didn't stop you from going on that date. I figured I was wrong about her and didn't want to ruin something you were so excited for. I could've prevented  _ everything _ .”

 

Hide stared at the floor intently. He was hugging himself too, his arms clutching his sides. Almost like he was cold. 

 

“Hide…”

The boy didn't budge.

“Hide, look at me.” 

Hide slowly brought his eyes up to meet Kaneki’s gaze. He had expected resentment, furrowed brows, or a look of severe disappointment. Instead, he saw a sad smile spread across Kaneki's lips. 

“Hide, there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened from happening. If you had stopped me that afternoon, I probably would have seen her somehow anyway. It would’ve happened eventually.”

 

Hide’s throat was closing up, and he choked on his words when they came out. 

“Kan-Kaneki, you don't understand. Your whole life is different now because I didn't say anything! You can't eat anymore, you have to hide your eye in public in case it turns, you have to fight and hide your identity….Y-you even have to protect me now, because I was stupid enough to get involved with the CCG and their battle. And-”

 

Hide had paused to breathe, as the breathing he had been doing had morphed into quick gasps.

 

Kaneki observed Hide’s face becoming incredibly red. He gazed at the boy’s eyes and couldn't ignore the impossibly large pools of water welling up in them. 

 

When Hide had gotten his breathing back under control, he continued.

“Kaneki?” The name was spoken apprehensively. 

“Yeah?”

“I'm sorry!”

“Hide, I to-”

Words tumbled out of his mouth. 

“I’m sorry for everything. I could’ve prevented all this and I'm sorry I hurt you and I tried to help when you were gone but I couldn’t find you and clearly nothing I did helped because here you are today scarred and messed up because of me!”

Hide dropped to the ground. His breathing had become ragged during his apology and now it was coming in short gasps again. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, then tucked his head into the crook of one arm.

He whispered something unintelligible before losing it. His gasps became sobs. His body shook spasmodically, and his entire body was tense.

 

Kaneki took a few seconds to process what he was seeing; his thoughts became a series of singular words:  _ Hidegroundcryingcollapsedmehurtfaultpainsorry _

He felt tears beginning to form in his own eyes as he slowly sank to the floor as well. He crawled over to Hide, the quivering mess he was, and placed his right hand on the boy’s shoulder.

The shaking stopped, if only momentarily, and Kaneki pulled Hide into a hug. Hide unfolded himself and latched onto his friend, still sobbing, still quaking. Kaneki cautiously moved his left arm, trying not to move Hide, and cupped the boy’s head with his hand. He ran his fingers through the soft blonde hair in a similar fashion to how he remembered his mother, or someone at least, had done to him when he had been sick. 

 

Gradually, Hide calmed down. He stopped shaking and was no longer gasping for breath in irregular patterns. He became incredibly quiet and cuddled into Kaneki. His eyes, despite being squeezed shut, were still leaking some tears. 

 

Kaneki slowly pulled apart from Hide, who, after separation, reverted back to his former position: knees tucked in, arms wrapped around them, head down.

He sniffed loudly. “I’m sorry, Kaneki, I don’t know what that was.”

Kaneki leaned his back against the lower bed frame and rested his hands on his legs. “Hide, don’t apologize… It’s clear you’ve been holding that in for a while.”  

“Umm,” Hide’s voice was shaking. “I, uh…”

Hide looked up at Kaneki, unknowingly breaking his heart.

 

Hide’s face was red, specifically around the eyes and nose; his eyes were swollen, and there were too many tear trails left on his cheeks to be counted. Still, his eyes remained watery, his gaze frail, as if his body was prepared to relinquish more tears at any moment.  

 

“When you left, I felt like whatever was happening to you was my fault. Since I didn’t stop you that day. I know...that you said it’s not, but. But I still feel like it is.” He paused to sniff. 

“Anyway, because I felt responsible-”

Kaneki looked at him expectantly. Upon seeing his questioning stare, Hide looked down and began fiddling with the carpet, rubbing and pulling at it. 

 

“I...I had some compulsions to ‘prevent’ anything bad from happening to you - obviously they didn’t work - and I was just really on edge the whole time, and school became a struggle. I didn’t go out much. Working with the CCG enabled me to find out more about your situation and whereabouts, so…”

 

Kaneki, by this time, had also drawn his knees to his chest, and he looked at Hide with worry.

“Hide, did you hurt yourself for me?”

“N-no.”

“Hide.”

“I-”

 

Kaneki began to cry. Although not as drastic as Hide’s episode, tears still slipped down his face. 

 

Hide let out a half-hearted laugh, “Heyyy, Kaneki, you're not supposed to be the one crying here.”

Kaneki aggressively wiped the water from his cheeks with the back of his hand. 

“Hide, you can't joke about this. Did you or did you not harm yourself while I was gone?”

“That depends on your definition of ‘harm.’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this was an okay Valentine's Day present from me to you! Please leave comments! I'm working on chapter 7 already, so that will be posted sometime this week! Thank you for reading! <3  
> **EDIT** My week was much busier than I expected, so chapter 7 is not yet complete. I aim to upload this next week. I'm so sorry for the delay. Thank you for understanding. <3


	7. Doubting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Major Triggers Towards the End of the Chapter**  
> *Potential Spoilers Below*
> 
> Compulsion: repetitive handwashing  
> \- mention of feeling dirty  
> \- loved ones being contaminated  
> \- description of bleeding hands  
> \- physically not being able to stop one's body from performing a compulsion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE SO LONG  
> HERE'S CHAPTER 7 AFTER MORE THAN A MONTH  
> I'M SO SO SORRY

Kaneki could only whisper, “Hide, what did you do?”

“I mean, nothing drastic. It was just compulsions. Several series of compulsions that were… really draining.”

Kaneki looked skeptical.  _ Draining compulsions? What does that mean? _ He feared Hide had done something horrible, something he wasn’t letting on.

“Well...what were they?”

“Kaneki, I promise you they’re not serious.”

“They  _ aren’t _ ? You still do them?”

“Oh...yeah."

"Th-They didn't stop when I...?"

Hide shook his head. "No, after you came home they just morphed into other things. And...not all my compulsions and obsessions were concerned with you. I told you I’ve had it for several years. Since childhood." 

 

Kaneki’s mouth was hanging open in disbelief, though Hide didn’t know why all of this was such a big deal to him, the boy had been through things Hide considered much worse. 

“Kaneki."

Kaneki closed his mouth. 

"You see my hands, right?”

Hide held his hands out to Kaneki, palms down so that the backs of them - the cracked, red, bleeding backs of them - were visible. 

Kaneki looked at them with concern and nodded slowly. 

Hide sighed and withdrew his hands before dropping them in his lap.

“Alright, so...obviously I wash my hands a lot.”

Hide paused and swallowed hard. Kaneki could see how tense his upper body had become.

“It’s one of my compulsions, and um...”

Hide’s mouth opened and closed several times before he gave up trying to speak. The words wouldn’t come. He dropped his gaze to the floor. “Sorry, Kaneki…”

“Oh...it's okay. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

Hide covered his entire face with his hands and groaned into them, loudly. 

“I mean, I need to talk to somebody about it eventually, but…”

 

Kaneki sat in silence while Hide continued to hide his face. Kaneki was still largely in the dark about this whole OCD thing. He didn’t know exactly how it...worked? For instance, why would the person affected have to do ‘compulsions’ to get rid of bad thoughts? Why didn’t they just go away? Part of him didn’t believe such a thing was possible, but Hide would never lie about something like this, something so personal and obviously stressful.

 

Hide spoke from behind his hands, “Kaneki.”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m going to go back to bed.”

“Uh, you know it’s 12:30, right? I mean we don’t have plans, so it’s fine but…”  _ You never take naps, Hide. Only when you don’t sleep well....oh. _

Hide removed his hands from over his eyes and cupped his chin with both of them.“Yeah, I feel kinda tired.”

Hide got up from his position on the floor and walked towards the bathroom. Kaneki noticed and cried out, “Wait! Hide, what are you doing?”

“Relax, man, I’m just brushing my teeth.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Hide set his mouth in a line. 

 

While he waited for Hide to finish brushing, Kaneki rummaged around in the bathroom cabinets for lotion. He found several bottles and picked the one he thought was best. Hide knew what he was doing. He felt, for reasons he couldn’t explain, the slightest bit angry and annoyed, and it scared him. _After all that -- my sobbing, my apology, Kaneki’s sympathy -- I’m angry at my best friend for trying to help me?_ _I am truly an awful person. Why would I even say all that stuff to him if I don’t want him to be concerned about me? Wait, am I being manipulative? I must be, look at how quickly my emotions changed! I’m trying to use him to gain sympathy, aren’t I? I hate myself._

 

Hide finished brushing and turned towards Kaneki expectantly. His friend was smelling the lotion. The bottle claimed it had a ‘soothing scent.’

Kaneki looked up at Hide and smiled one of his sad smiles. Hide felt sick looking at it. 

Kaneki held the pale green bottle out to Hide, who took it gingerly into his own hands. He smelled it. The scent actually was soothing. 

“You’re gonna put it on, right?”

Hide nodded and squirted some lotion into the palm of one hand. It hurt as he rubbed it into the backs of his hands.  _ Freaking aloe vera. That’s why the bottle’s green.  _

 

Hide walked out of his bathroom and into his bedroom. Kaneki followed.

“Hide, do you want me to wake you up later?”

Without turning around, Hide replied. “Sure. Sometime after 3.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened in surprise. Hide was planning on sleeping through the afternoon.  _ When’s he going to study? He’s got two finals this week.  _

“Okay, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“K.”

 

Before getting in his bed, Hide walked over to his lowest drawer in his dresser and pulled it open. Lying atop a few sweaters and blankets was his teddy bear. He considered taking it out so he could cuddle with it while he slept, but he figured his lotion-hands would get it greasy and mat the fur, so he closed the drawer. At last, he crawled into bed and got comfortable under the covers. Well, as comfortable as a person with lotion all over their hands can sleep in while avoiding rubbing the stuff all over the sheets.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Hide stared at the ceiling and contemplated his relationship with Kaneki.

 

_ We’ve been friends since elementary school, I’m not tricking him into caring about me, right? His emotions are his own and he really does want me to be okay. Right?  _

_ …  _

_ I don’t know. _

 

He rolled over onto his side.

 

_ That was so embarrassing earlier. Ew. I’m supposed to be the strong one here! I’m supposed to be helping Kaneki cope with everything, but instead I’m crying over this crap.  _

_ I’m being selfish. _

 

He rotated onto his stomach and bent one leg while the other remained straight.  

 

_ But, it’s not my fault I have OCD, right? I can’t control this. I can’t help but feel dirty when I touch things. I can’t help it that I have to wash my hands at least twice everytime I touch something that’s contaminated, right? _

_ “Contaminated…”  _

_ This is really dumb.  _

 

Hide had no idea how he was supposed to explain to Kaneki that certain things were ‘dirty.’ Anything that wasn’t his, in fact, was usually dirty. Sometimes, and this was the part that bothered Hide a lot, Kaneki was dirty. Therefore, anything he touched also became contaminated. The doorknobs, the glasses he put away after washing them in the sink -- that’s why Hide was drinking more and more from plastic water bottles these days -- the computer mouse, the keyboard, every pen in the house. They were all potentially dirty. Except for Hide’s private possessions. But if Kaneki touched something when he came in Hide’s room…

 

Hide, about to fall asleep, jerked awake.  _ Kaneki sat on my bed. He sat on my bed he sat on my bed he sat on my bed. _

 

Hide pushed himself up and looked at the top of his comforter. He could almost see where his friend had sat. It was as if it were surrounded with caution tape, screaming at Hide not to go near it, not to touch it, because something bad would surely happen if he did. Something that would endanger his life. 

 

_ What if I touched that area when I got into bed? _

 

Suddenly, Hide could feel a slight tingling on the palm of his left hand. 

 

_ I have to wash it. _

 

With a racing heartbeat, Hide got out of bed and began walking towards the bathroom. The sink loomed at him through the doorway. He stepped slowly, all the while trying to convince himself that what he was feeling wasn’t real. 

 

_ It doesn’t exist. There are no germs. Kaneki is clean. My bed is clean. I am clean. I don’t need to wash my hands because Kaneki is clean. He didn’t make my bed dirty. He didn’t make anything in here dirty. He’s not dirty! He’s not dirty! _

  
His self-reassurance didn’t work. By the time he finished attempting to calm himself down he had reached the sink, and he watched his red hands work the soap pump and turn on the water. He looked on from another pair of eyes as his hands scrubbed at each other, rinsing the calming lotion away and opening new cuts so that the water that ran from his hands was tinted red. His hands stung, and although Hide could feel the pain, it was bearable; it certainly wasn’t something new. But all the same, he wanted it to end. How many times had he found himself sobbing at the sink, watching his skin burn and bleed? He felt himself turn the facet, bringing the water to a stop. He felt the slightly rough towel as it patted his skin dry, soaking up blood at the same time so that there were specks of red peppered across it. He felt a tear fall from his face and onto his arm as he bent down to find the lotion so he could reapply it to his hands. He grimaced when he saw how starkly the lotion contrasted with his angry skin. He made his way back to his bed sobbing and pleading with God to make it end. He pulled the covers over himself once again and cried until his pillow was wet enough that he had to turn it over on its other side. He prayed, asking God to heal his mind, the mind that never stopped feeding him thoughts of sickness, guilt, imperfection, and fear. It was all becoming too much, he couldn’t stand it any longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry that I couldn't upload sooner!!! School had me really busy and I didn't have time to sit down and write. I also ended up rewriting the beginning of this chapter multiple times and then scrapping those versions (this final version is the fourth idea I think?) because they didn't feel right. I really want this fic to be as accurate a depiction of OCD as possible because I have searched for OCD AUs before and could only find a few that handled it well.  
> I guess I should also tell you guys that I myself have OCD. Like Hide, I have had it since I was a child, about 7 or 8 years old. I have never been professionally diagnosed because my parents do not know the severity of OCD and the extent to which it afflicted me. (Of course, I did hide some compulsions/obsessions from them, and I hardly ever mention it now). OCD is not widely understood, despite its commonality, which results in the majority of people dismissing the effects it has on those who suffer from it.  
> I am not asking for your pity! I'm just letting you all know that I'm drawing on my own experiences here, and trying to make it easy to accept and understand for those who haven't experienced the disorder. Please know that the compulsions and obsessions I have and will mention are not the only symptoms of OCD. OCD affects each individual differently, and everyone has different obsessions/compulsions (os/cs), though they can be shared. I have experienced most of the os/cs you will find listed on any site explaining OCD, so I will try to limit what Hide experiences (because yes, I'm kinda projecting my experiences onto the poor boy (although I've had a hc for a while that he always suffered from anxiety)).  
> Anyway, I don't want this to get too long. Sorry for my absence! Thank you for reading, and please leave comments!!!  
> Also my tumblr and tokyo ghoul side blog urls are below!  
> main blog: 221buckythesoldier  
> TG blog: callmehide  
> Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and reading my work! <3


	8. Excursion pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals are over! But a casual trip to the grocery store manages to end in disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness.  
> Hello.  
> You've probably forgotten about this story by now. Of course, this is all my fault; I haven't uploaded in over a year! I will tell you, though, I've never stopped thinking about this fic. I still have so many ideas, and I really hope to finish this, so I encourage you to stick with me if you want to see the end! (I have absolutely no right to ask you to stick with me, haha. I'm so sorry).  
> More in the end notes. If you're still interested in this story, and you've decided to read it again, thank you so much!!! If you're tired of sporadic updates, I completely understand.  
> Once again, I'm so sorry!

Kaneki had gone downstairs immediately after leaving Hide’s bedroom. He didn’t hear him crying, but he definitely heard him walking around. Around. As in not in his bed. Not sleeping.

 

Kaneki was concerned for Hide. Not that he never had been before, but Hide was rarely so vulnerable or shaken. It scared Kaneki. Seeing Hide so undone, so completely broken, it was unnerving. Kaneki could only hope Hide would become better soon, and he prayed that Hide had not been keeping all this a secret for the entire length of their friendship. How old were they when they had become friends? Hopefully Hide wasn’t affected when they were that young. Maybe it was only now becoming severe?

 

Regardless, in an effort to better understand what Hide was dealing with, because he had not grasped his rushed explanation, Kaneki returned to his earlier seat at the kitchen table, after 

brewing another cup of coffee to calm himself down, and resorted to the internet. 

 

Not surprisingly, searching “what is OCD” in Google yields a plethora of websites giving detailed explanations about the disorder. After 2 hours of reading, Kaneki felt more informed. He was more comfortable with it--the nature of the disorder--although, it still seemed odd to him. He couldn’t exactly comprehend how someone could be incapable of controlling their thoughts, of simply blocking the unwanted ones out. But then he remembered Rize and her little visits. His depression and psychosis, and then he understood. The compulsions were still a foreign concept to him, but the obsessions, the unwanted thoughts that resulted in paralyzing, suffocating anxiety and a million other unwanted emotions, those he knew.

 

Kaneki read through other websites for another 30 minutes before he went to wake Hide. Upstairs, he opened his friend’s door slowly, half-hoping Hide was already awake, half-hoping he wasn’t. He didn’t want to have to bring Hide back into reality, out of the one state of mind in which he didn’t have to suffer, but he also knew Hide needed to get up in order to study. 

 

Hide was still sleeping, looking more peaceful than he had in the past few weeks. 

 

_ Great. I love doing this to him.  _

 

Kaneki entered the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. He walked over to the side of the bed closest to the door, where Hide was sleeping softly, his eyes finally closed and his hands finally still. Kaneki gazed at him and realized he could see faint, dark circles under Hide’s eyes. He had become a mesh of colors. Red hands, yellow hair, purple eyes. If not for the serious situation, Kaneki would have admitted his friend looked almost comical. 

 

Kaneki knelt down until he was eye level with Hide and placed a hand on his shoulder. He shook it lightly, and Hide opened his eyes slowly, looking as if the nap had not helped his condition one bit. 

 

Kaneki smiled. 

 

Hide didn’t move but only asked groggily, “What time is it?”

 

“3:05.”

 

“Do you think I have time to sleep any longer?”

 

“Uhh, I don’t know. You’ve got finals coming up.”

 

“Ugh.”

 

Hide pulled a blanket over his head as if to shut out his scholarly responsibilities.

 

Kaneki leaned forward and pulled back a small part of it. He spoke to Hide in a whisper. 

 

“Hide, c’mon. You’ve got two tests, one Tuesday, one Wednesday. Just study and get them over with, alright?”

 

With a heavy, exaggerated sigh, Hide threw the blanket back and stretched. After, he immediately slouched over, looking severely exhausted. Regardless, he got out of bed, promised Kaneki he would change and study, and did just that.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

It was more than a week before Kaneki really talked to Hide again. When they finally did carry on a long conversation, over hot drinks at their kitchen table, Hide told Kaneki he felt his tests had gone well, and Kaneki told him he was glad his studies had payed off. 

 

The state of Hide’s hands didn’t escape Kaneki. They were worse off than the previous week, if that was even possible. 

 

_ So stress makes it worse, huh? _

 

Hide’s hands were stark red, so red it hurt Kaneki to look at them grasping one of their shared white coffee mugs. He tried not to look too long at them; he didn’t want to embarrass Hide any more than he already had. 

 

“Kaneki,” Hide said after setting his mug down on the table. “Do you want to do something today?”

 

Kaneki was surprised at this question, Hide hadn’t been feeling like going out for a while.

 

“Sure, if you want to. I have no plans.”

 

“You’re sure? Nothing at Anteiku? Touka doesn’t need you?”

 

“Hide, I’m definitely free today. Promise.”

 

“Okay.”

 

...

 

“What did you want to do?”

 

“Well, it’s just that I haven’t been out of the house in a long time. And going to school to take tests doesn’t count. I feel like I should do something.”

 

“Do you really  _ want  _ to do something, though?”

 

“I...don’t know.”

 

“Well, we’re running low on groceries if you want to come to the store with me.”

 

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ll go with you.”

 

An hour later the two were riding the bus to the nearest shopping center, bundled in their warmest coats and practically sitting on top of each other to conserve warmth. 

 

When they got off the bus, the air bit at them, the sharp wind cutting their cheeks and whipping their hair about. 

 

It was decided that Kaneki would be in charge of the cart, and he would call out the items from his list that Hide needed to retrieve. Hide seemed to be taking too much pleasure in simply shopping at a grocery store. But Kaneki guessed he enjoyed being out and doing regular, everyday tasks like other people.

 

But the fun ended when Hide grabbed a bottle of salad dressing. It was a raspberry vinaigrette in a glass bottle. Hide had wrapped his fingers around the neck of the bottle and then, with a gasp, immediately let go of it. The bottle crashed to the floor and blew open, the entire bottom piece clattering to the opposite side of the aisle, the dark pink liquid seeping slowly out. Hide, who had been looking at his hand, realized what he had done all too late. 

 

Kaneki was staring at the floor, mouth agape, when he heard Hide begin to apologize.

“Sh- I, I’m so sorry, I didn’t, I-”

 

Kaneki quickly shrugged the accident off. He wasn’t sure if this small of an accident would upset Hide or not.

 

“It’s okay. We’ll tell someone about it so it can be cleaned up. It didn’t cost much anyway.”

 

Hide stood staring at the floor, painfully aware of the curious stares of fellow shoppers as they walked by. 

 

“Hide?”

 

Hide finally looked up at Kaneki, looking like a kid who had just been caught breaking a rule.

 

“I’m sorry, Ken.”

 

Kaneki shook his head. “Hide, it’s just a little spill. Look, there’s, what, about two cups that have spilled out? It won’t be hard to clean. Let’s go let them know.”

 

“I-I need to go the bathroom.”

 

“Why? Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I just...It...got on my hand.”

 

_ Oh. That’s why he dropped it.  _

 

“Okay, well, just meet me by the yogurt, yeah? You ate the last one yesterday.”

 

Hide only nodded before he turned and walked briskly off in the other direction.

 

Kaneki turned himself and walked the opposite way, to the customer service desk, wondering why some residual dressing on the side of a bottle could cause so much panic. 

  
_ Seriously, screw that bottle. We’re never buying raspberry vinaigrette ever again.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay. Things got busy for me, and I wasn't able to upload for a long time. I aim to really stick with this though, and I want to finish writing it as much as you want to finish reading it, maybe more.
> 
> I'm really terribly sorry it's been so long. I never meant for this to happen!
> 
> *Just so you know, I have other TG oneshots I'm working on as well (I know, I should focus. But!), so those will be appearing soon!
> 
> **This thing with textures bothers some of us with OCD. Sticky things are actually awful for me, as are rough, irregular textures. Really, anything unexpected or unnatural bothers me, but when things are sitcky, it's even worse. I will elaborate on this more in the next chapter.
> 
> Really, thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments! Or you know, yell at me because I've been gone so long. <3


End file.
